The Reboot Illinois last-minute holiday gift list:

  1. For departing Gov. Pat Quinn: A large, full-length mirror.Since his November loss, Quinn seems to have lost himself. He took more than a day to concede and did so without congratulating the Republican who defeated him. The once self-styled reformer then went on to hand his young campaign manager a plum, two-year $160,000-a-year job and secured a bad lottery deal for the state. Perhaps gazing long and hard into the full-length mirror will allow Quinn to find his old fight-for-the-little guy reformer self?
  2. For incoming Gov.-elect Bruce Rauner: Rose-colored Harley goggles and two big leather saddle bags full of details and financial plan specifics. Since his surprising five-percentage point victory, Republican Rauner seems shocked, shocked we hear, to find out that the state’s financial crisis is horrendous. Much worse than he thought or we’d been led to believe. Memo to Mr. Gov. Elect: It’ll get worse before it gets better. Better wear the rose-colored goggles 24/7 so you can keep telling us how much nicer it’s going to get in Illinois when you take over. Oh, and despite two years of campaigning and your financial expertise as a private equity master, we’re still waiting for any sign of a detail of your plan to balance that horrific budget, find a constitutional solution on pensions lead us to the land of rose-colored, smooth Harley-riding highways. Time to start emptying out those saddle bags with specifics for all the fearful good little taxpaying boys and girls in Illinois.
  3. House Speaker Michael Madigan, also the state Democratic Party chairman: Hmmm, what to get the man who has everything and controls everything…? A tough one…how about that game Jenga? The master of all master political tacticians just might want to get in plenty of good practice rounds of making all those wooden pieces tumble all over soon-to-be Gov. Rauner.
  4. Senate President John Cullerton: A 10-foot-pole he can use to touch the next Chicago Tribune editorial railing about Illinois jobs heading to Indiana.
  5. Senate Republican Leader Christine Radogno: How about some life-like mannequins from Macy’s? Hey yeah, Radogno actually added a member to her caucus with the loss of Democratic state Sen. Mike Jacobs. In January, she will lead 19 other Republicans. But the Democrats still nearly have her doubled with 39 in their group. A few mannequins could make things seem a bit less lonely for Republican Radogno.
  6. House Republican Leader Jim Durkin: Step-by-step instructional video from departing state Rep. Mike Bost on how to properly throw a tantrum on the House floor.
  7. Illinois Republican Party Chairman Tim Schneider: An extra set of Bruce Rauner coattails for the rest of the party to grab.
  8. U.S. Sen. Dick Durbin: A new flavor of Oberweis Dairy ice cream to commemorate his decisive defeat of the creamery’s namesake: Landslide Lemon.
  9. U.S. Sen. Mark Kirk: A box of Cuban cigars he can deploy to annoy anti-tobacco activist Dick Durbin for pushing a return to normal relations with Cuba.
  10. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel: A jumbo size bar of Ivory soap. It’s election time, also known as spring-cleaning season. Time for Rahmbo to clean out his profanity-spewing mouth so as to impress all of us sensitive-eared voters in Chicago. And hey, big, pure soap? So much the better to wipe away all those pesky opponents, including Chicago Ald. Bob Fioretti and Cook County Commissioner Jesus “Chuy” Garcia.

 

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